Category: Grief

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2 Years Since You Were Called Home

2 years ago, you were called home. Not your home on earth, but the home we all strive for and hope to obtain. In the days that followed, I came across this song below which helped me somewhat understand your being called from us. It was a revelation to me that we are not here for what is here on earth, but for what we look forward to being a part of in the next life with Christ. I realized then that you knew this already, and you had prepared yourself for what was to come.

Building 429 – “Where I Belong”

Not long after Christmas, I purchased “Day by Day with St. Francis”, short, daily meditations with a quote about St. Francis by St. Bonaventure, a reflection on that quote, and a prayer from scripture pertaining to it. Evan loved St. Francis so I decided to get it. As God would have it, March 31st meditation brought me back to reflecting on Evan’s life. His devotion to Christ and the Eucharist that he practiced as an Altar Server for many years, his devotion to the Blessed Mother through praying the Rosary, his devotion through the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel, as well as his devotions to St. Stephen (his confirmation Saint) and St. Francis.

From “Day by Day with St. Francis” March 31st

The above meditation, coupled with the meditation for today, April 2nd, tied up everything in a perfect package for me. I know he was prepared for his untimely death. I did not see that until after he was gone, but I knew he had been taking the steps needed to become closer to Christ. It became even more evident when I read some of his journal entries, as well as some of his essays for school. He was more prepared at 17 than I have ever been in my 50 years. I am not saying that he was a martyr, but I know he would have been without any hesitation. That was how strong his faith in and love of Christ was. I pray that I still have enough time left to reach the levels that he did in my own faith, before my time comes.


From “Day by Day with St. Francis” April 2nd

We do not know the day or the hour, but we must always be ready. Preparation is the key to being ready when we are called home. Thank you Evan, for showing that to me. I was truly blessed to be chosen as your father on earth. It is an honor to call you son.

Let us pray. Father, grant us the strength each day, to live our lives in Your honor, to follow Your path to the best of our ability, and to be prepared when our time may come. Help us to stand firm in our faith for You and not be swayed, so that we may be greeted with arms wide open into Your House for all eternity. In Your Name we pray. AMEN.

You Are in My Prayers,

Scott

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Therapeutic Writing

“Whenever you are fed up with life, start writing: ink is the great cure for all human ills, as I have found out long ago.”—C. S. Lewis

I have been writing off and on since high school.  There were times when words would flow effortlessly and times when they were nonexistent.  I always looked at it as a hobby, something to share with others if I felt like it, or to keep to my self if needed.  I never really looked at it as a cure until the passing of Evan.  Writing has helped me express my feelings of sorrow and grief.  Pen and paper became my counselors.  It was much easier for me to divulge the feelings inside in ink than it was for me to actually speak about them openly to others.  Sure, there were some friends that I was able to openly share with, but still and all, the most open and receptive ear was that white lined marble notebook.  I could bare all and open my heart and soul freely.  I was able to scribble down and jot ideas, thoughts and feelings as incoherently as I wanted.  This allowed me to choose the correct words and express exactly what I was trying to say.  I could make amendments to what was written, or rearrange the lineup so that ideas and statements would flow properly and make sense, as opposed to the jumbled, mumbled, mashed up scramble that make up spoken words when one may be under the stress of everyday life and the situations it brings upon us.

My inspirations came in many forms over the years.  Love, nature, vampires, experience, searching, death, faith, and God.  Some writings were part of word challenges, photo challenges, forms of poetry challenges, or topical challenges.  Some were poems about poetry, poets, or even about writer’s block.  These many topics have all had a hand in shaping me and preparing me for what I now write about, which is, the message I hope to get across to you, the readers.  The years that are beneath me have been the tune-up to find my voice, or should I say, the fountain for my quill.

My ability to convey through writing far outweighs my ability to speak publicly (something I prefer not to partake in).  All this time, God has been preparing me, though I did not know it , and only after recent events am I becoming more aware of what He is calling me to do.  I do believe I have been called to spread the Word and Love of our Lord to all that I can, based on all that I have been made aware of and have witnessed since Evan’s death.  My prayers are that all who come to read what I share, do so with and open mind and heart so that the Holy Spirit may fill them and open their eyes to our Lord.

In closing, yes, ink has become a cure of sorts.  I guess you could even say that I have been getting immunized in the past by writing.  It has allowed me to open up and share with others, the inspirations that have been given to me by the Holy Spirit.  It has allowed me to get through the grief and depression I was suffering from and accept the death of my precious son.  It has become the therapy which, I pray, will enable me to see him once again with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ some day.  It will help me to continue Evan’s mission of spreading the word of God and trying to live out the rest of my days for His Greater Glory.

In His Name Always,

You are in my prayers,

Scott

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Initial Background / Gathering of Thoughts / Reason for Creating This Blog

Here is just a little background information for those of you who are not familiar with my current story.  On April 2nd, 2017, my life and my family changed forever.  I lost my 17 year old son, Evan, a month or so before he was to graduate high school.  I have never seen a faith and love of God so strong in anyone of that age.  I was definitely questioning my own faith after his passing.  I wanted answers from God for why He would take him at such a young age, such a beautiful soul with so much life left ahead of him to live.  I was masquerading myself to others at times, appearing to be fine, when actually breaking on the inside, drowning my sorrows in alcohol any chance I could get.  My family life was becoming stressed, due to my own selfishness and denial of grief and depression, but I continued to try to hold it together in public.  I did not want to seem weak by others, wanted to be strong for my family and friends, and for Evan’s friends.  I kept up this game of charades until August of 2017.  I was lucky enough to attend a retreat at Manresa House of Retreats in Convent, LA.  I was blessed to feel the presence of my son there, as well as that of the Holy Spirit that weekend.  I was able to accept the loss of Evan as the will of God.  I know Evan was prepared for his end.  It was the rest of us who were not.  In short, this blog will basically be about my journey back to the Light of Christ since the passing of Evan, as well as a platform to continue his mission.  That is to spread the Word of God and the message of Christ to all who may read and accept the Holy Spirit into their lives, and to help bring others closer to the Lord.  This will also serve as a continual therapeutic remedy for my grief and depression healing process.  May God bless all of you who come by to read, and know that you are in my prayers.

Scott