2 years ago, you were called home. Not your home on earth, but the home we all strive for and hope to obtain. In the days that followed, I came across this song below which helped me somewhat understand your being called from us. It was a revelation to me that we are not here for what is here on earth, but for what we look forward to being a part of in the next life with Christ. I realized then that you knew this already, and you had prepared yourself for what was to come.
Building 429 – “Where I Belong”
Not long after Christmas, I purchased “Day by Day with St. Francis”, short, daily meditations with a quote about St. Francis by St. Bonaventure, a reflection on that quote, and a prayer from scripture pertaining to it. Evan loved St. Francis so I decided to get it. As God would have it, March 31st meditation brought me back to reflecting on Evan’s life. His devotion to Christ and the Eucharist that he practiced as an Altar Server for many years, his devotion to the Blessed Mother through praying the Rosary, his devotion through the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel, as well as his devotions to St. Stephen (his confirmation Saint) and St. Francis.
From “Day by Day with St. Francis” March 31st
The above meditation, coupled with the meditation for today, April 2nd, tied up everything in a perfect package for me. I know he was prepared for his untimely death. I did not see that until after he was gone, but I knew he had been taking the steps needed to become closer to Christ. It became even more evident when I read some of his journal entries, as well as some of his essays for school. He was more prepared at 17 than I have ever been in my 50 years. I am not saying that he was a martyr, but I know he would have been without any hesitation. That was how strong his faith in and love of Christ was. I pray that I still have enough time left to reach the levels that he did in my own faith, before my time comes.
From “Day by Day with St. Francis” April 2nd
We do not know the day or the hour, but we must always be ready. Preparation is the key to being ready when we are called home. Thank you Evan, for showing that to me. I was truly blessed to be chosen as your father on earth. It is an honor to call you son.
Let us pray. Father, grant us the strength each day, to live our lives in Your honor, to follow Your path to the best of our ability, and to be prepared when our time may come. Help us to stand firm in our faith for You and not be swayed, so that we may be greeted with arms wide open into Your House for all eternity. In Your Name we pray. AMEN.
It is hard to believe that 2 years have passed since you were called home. Not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts. All I can say is that it has not been an easy road to travel. The days are still good and bad. Thankfully, the bad days are now fewer and far between. Those selfish feelings still arise from time to time. I want you to still be here with us on earth. There have been many “Firsts” during those 2 years. We may have finally had the last of those firsts. I knew this one was going to be a somewhat difficult one to handle and I struggled with it from the first moment we booked the trip. There were mixed emotions, excitement and sorrow, good memories and feelings of emptiness. All of that leading up to the day we left. I had some rough moments at Disney in March, our first trip there without you, but I do know you are still with us in spirit and continue to show us that you are.
There were 3 signs from you that I witnessed during the trip. The first being while sitting in the car on a Saturday morning at the urgent care in Tallahassee, waiting to find out if we would be moving on to Disney, or heading back home. After the chaotic and time consuming exit from Louisiana (wrecks and rain), to the not being able to find a room until the 4th try (1/2 hour past Tallahassee), to your sister’s migraine and nausea that first night on the road, to the 1/2 hour drive back to Tallahassee the next morning to reach the nearest urgent care, I was feeling we were definitely heading back home. So, I decided to say a rosary while waiting, asking that things would go right and fall into place so we could enjoy this vacation. I no sooner finished the rosary when you showed up at the back window of the car, sitting on the wiper, tapping against the glass. I did not realize it was you at first. The second time you came back, tapping even harder and staying longer. That is when I saw you were a cardinal. That was when my mood started to change back to a positive outlook. I tried to get your picture, but you flew away. The third time you came, I was ready, and was barely able to snap a shot of you before you left, and those feelings of negativity were almost completely gone. Within minutes of your last visit, your mom texted saying your sister was doing so much better and they would be out in a minute and we would be on our way.
The second sign was the day later in the week when I was feeling tired and aggravated at Magic Kingdom (the reason being now escapes me). But any way, as I stood there waiting for the bus to arrive with 3 or 4 others, there was a skywriter starting to draw letters off in the distance. What would have been a boring situation, standing there doing nothing, turned into another sign of hope and happiness. As he finished spelling out “JESUS”, the bus showed up. The second part to this sign was while on the bus. As those of you who have been to Disney know, they don’t just pick up 3 or 4 people and head back to the resort. They wait a few minutes to see if others are coming or not. So as we waited, the driver stood up and was handing out stickers to the kids while other riders were getting on. As he came back to the front, where I was sitting, he looked at me and said with a smile, “One left, guess it’s your lucky day.” As I took the sticker, laughing, a wonderful feeling came over me. Evan’s favorite Disney Character was Sorcerer Mickey, and that just happened to be the sticker I received from the driver. Joy and sadness overtook my feelings of aggravation and the rest of the day turned out to be wonderful because I knew you played a part in my receiving that sticker.
The third sign was our last night in the Magic Kingdom, after eating dinner, by all means your mom wanted to be able to get a lantern picture of us by Rapunzel’s Tower. So we headed there as soon as we finished eating. For those who don’t know, this is a difficult thing to do because there is really no “X” marks the spot, stand here for pictures thing going on. The photographer doesn’t come out there until right before dusk so it is up to them as to where they want to start the line. We get there about 45 minutes before dusk and pick a spot to sit and wait, and hope that we can get a decent spot in line when they start. Before long, more people start to show up in the area, and you could tell they were all looking for the same thing. A couple of girls asked if we were waiting for the pictures and we told them yes. Apparently others had started forming a line along the wall with us behind the girls who inquired about it. The photographer comes out about 20 minutes before dusk and walks right up to us and asks if we are where the line starts for the Lantern Pictures. She talked with us for a while before going back in to get her camera. We were blessed once again and were first in line for the pictures that night.
Our Lantern picture…slightly modified.
As I have said on more than one occasion, there are no longer coincidences for me. There are only signs from a higher power. It is up to us to open our eyes and see Those signs when they are plainly right in front of us.
Let us pray. Lord, thank you for allowing our loved ones that You have called home to reveal their presence to us in our everyday lives. Thank you for making Yourself known to us through them as well, lifting our spirits and strengthening our faith in you, making the difficulty of losing a loved one somewhat easier to deal with. Although the road remains one of tremendous heartache to travel, it is through You that we are able to continue living out our days, until You finally call us home to be reunited in Christ. Grant all those who have lost loved ones a moment of peace in their heart and place a smile on their face today as we pray to You, for through You, all things are possible. In Your Name we pray. AMEN.
Here is just a little background information for those of you who are not familiar with my current story. On April 2nd, 2017, my life and my family changed forever. I lost my 17 year old son, Evan, a month or so before he was to graduate high school. I have never seen a faith and love of God so strong in anyone of that age. I was definitely questioning my own faith after his passing. I wanted answers from God for why He would take him at such a young age, such a beautiful soul with so much life left ahead of him to live. I was masquerading myself to others at times, appearing to be fine, when actually breaking on the inside, drowning my sorrows in alcohol any chance I could get. My family life was becoming stressed, due to my own selfishness and denial of grief and depression, but I continued to try to hold it together in public. I did not want to seem weak by others, wanted to be strong for my family and friends, and for Evan’s friends. I kept up this game of charades until August of 2017. I was lucky enough to attend a retreat at Manresa House of Retreats in Convent, LA. I was blessed to feel the presence of my son there, as well as that of the Holy Spirit that weekend. I was able to accept the loss of Evan as the will of God. I know Evan was prepared for his end. It was the rest of us who were not. In short, this blog will basically be about my journey back to the Light of Christ since the passing of Evan, as well as a platform to continue his mission. That is to spread the Word of God and the message of Christ to all who may read and accept the Holy Spirit into their lives, and to help bring others closer to the Lord. This will also serve as a continual therapeutic remedy for my grief and depression healing process. May God bless all of you who come by to read, and know that you are in my prayers.
